Guyonthwall logic: While most conspiracy theories are fun to ponder, debate, and discuss, they are usually lacking in the whole “evidence” department. A conspiracy theory can be built off of any historical moment with a plot hole: Kennedy Assassination, Moon Landing etc… but while the conspiracy theorist can build a case off of a few solid facts, usually the story begins to fizzle out when the fact-well dries up. I’ve heard a ton of conspiracy theory nonsense over the Spurs 2014 playoff run from friends, family, and everyone else that has an opinion. This is my ode to them.
Today I’m not here to berate conspiracy theorists, I want to have some fun with them because I hear their lowly call. My favorite basketball team, the San Antonio Spurs have been a model NBA franchise since the late 90’s. While being in a small market media-wise (San Antonio is actually the 8th largest US city by population), they somehow have managed to build a dynasty in today’s NBA full of AAU alliances, big threes, and player-GMs.1 People and the media slurp the Spurs to death over how “classy” and “well run” they are, but today I’m here to point out some wild events or the one great conspiracy that may have you thinking otherwise.
Conspiracy Theorist Logic: Here’s a list of the Spurs path to the Larry O’Brien Trophy. These foes were taken out by any means necessary:
Oklahoma City Thunder
Step 1: Institute a hockey-style power play against the Mavericks when down by two.
If you pay attention to the video, you will notice the Spurs have 6 players on the court in the below sequence:
Inbounder: Boris Diaw
The game of basketball is played 5 on 5, but when you’re down by 2 with .4 seconds left to go against a tough 8 seed Mavs team, sometimes you have to go for desperate measures. They couldn’t handle Monta Ellis’s speed throughout the 4th quarter, so when they were down, they cheated!
GOTW Logic: Honest mishap on Pop’s part, come on nobody plays 6 players on purpose. Right?
CT: Honest mishap, more like deceiving treachery! The Spurs planned that, I know it. I can’t prove it, but I know its true, well anyway on to the next.
Step 2!: Plant a rattlesnake in the visiting Portland Trailblazers lockeroom!!!
During the round two Blazers/Spurs matchup, Portland was horribly outmatched. I’m talking JV/Varsity style. They had no idea how to guard the pick and roll or pretty much anything that San Antonio threw at them. But the Spurs couldn’t be too sure, so they planted a rattlesnake in Thomas Robinson’s locker!
GOTW Logic: Now I wish you were making this one up since its actually dangerous, but there was a rattlesnake found in Blazers’ forward Thomas Robinson’s locker. My only defense is that San Antonio has the type of climate that an animal like that prospers in, so it’s understandable that one could slip into the AT&T Center. They even have websites dedicated to snake removal. Also if you’re going to plant a snake in a Blazers’ locker, wouldn’t you put it in Lillard’s or Aldridge’s? Exactly conspiracy debunked!
Courtesy of Mo Williams’ Instagram.
Step 3: The mysterious wet spot in Oklahoma City.
CT: In the most important possession of a close out game, Kevin Durant slips on a “phantom” wet spot causing a crushing turnover that all but sealed the WCFs for San Antonio. They knew they couldn’t guard Durant, so they used the old wet floor technique.
GOTW Logic: First of all, no one can guard Kevin Durant.2 This is the most ridiculous one of them all seeing that NBA players slip on wet spots all the time, but in this case I think Durant just fell… nope on second thought it definitely was Lance Stephenson. How’d I miss that the first time? Well you can’t blame the Spurs for that.
Step 4: Sabotage the NBA Finals by breaking the AT&T Center’s air conditioning unit.
CT: Now the other three are debatable, but the Spurs pulled out all the stops in game one of the NBA finals. They sabotaged their air conditioning unit, literally turning up the heat on the Heat! The sweatshop conditions left superstar Lebron James with a potassium deficiency so potent that he couldn’t finish the game. Reports also surfaced that at halftime the Spurs had access to fans and the Heat did not.
GOTW Logic: That halftime thing was totally 100% on the Heat. Don’t they have an intern or an assistant Coach that could run to a local Kmart and pick up a few fans? Hell they could have sent Juwan Howard or Shane Battier. As far as messing with the air conditioning I think it’s highly unlikely. To plan something like that in game one of the NBA finals? It’s a well know fact that Lebron James has a history of cramping up, but the Spurs would have had to have the preparation of Batman or the Jigsaw killer to predict that he would be the only player affected enough that he would have to leave he game. To truly believe this, you have to be quite foolish.
Conspiracy theories are low hanging fruit because they don’t require much sense to be made, and without fact it’s just noise. And while that noise is fun for a while, when people take it too seriously, I believe it says some interesting things about how blinded we are as sports fans. Time would go on to prove that the Spurs were just way better than an aging Heat anyway, but for all you conspiracy theorists…. I guess we may never know….