The Universal Spoiler Law

GOTW Notes: Sometimes in life I feel inclined to take a non-serious position on a semi-serious subject that is written in a serious way. Got all that? Good, let us continue on..

 

There are all sorts of laws that govern this Universe: “what goes up must come down”, “An object in motion must stay in motion until blah blah…”, and “you never eat the last slice of pizza, if you didn’t purchase said pizza” just to name a few. If these laws didn’t exist, people wouldn’t know what to do. Without them we’d live in a land of anarchy; I’m talking post-apocalyptic Book of Eli kind of stuff. For the most part society has found a way to figure out a lot of the important stuff, but we have whiffed on the laws that govern movie spoilers.

 

As of now we live by a shaky “spoiler alert” system, by which most respectable people will warn you they are about to spill the beans on your favorite character’s imminent demise or that knife-twisting plot you didn’t see coming. But this system is broken, too many people either don’t adhere to it, or they are oblivious to the fact that people actually want to experience these things for themselves and reveal all of pop-culture’s favorite secrets.

 

We have had great presidents, leaders, and trailblazers in our society, but no one in history has had the balls to take on the monumental task of making a universal law on how spoilers should be handled. Well, I am standing up and accepting this responsibility. If not for you, then for myself, because if another one of my favorite shows is ruined before I see it, I just might lose my mind.

 

meme law

 

There are a few groups of people that we must be conscious of when it comes to spoilers. The spoilers themselves, the late bloomers, and everyone else who already understand the previously mentioned flawed spoiler rule that we currently live by.

 

Spoilers – these are people who either knowingly or unknowingly ruin shows through word, text, or video. These people’s intentions can be malicious or oblivious, but either way the damage is still as potent. These people must be stopped by all means necessary even if it means public flogging or excommunication from society.

 

Late bloomers– these people are the reason you can’t discuss the fifth season of the Sopranos at your job because 10 years after the show has aired they still haven’t seen it. Late bloomers slow up the conversation on shows that everyone in the world have already been through multiple times because they “put them off” or “just found out about it.” These excuses are not valid; they only serve as further examples that said person is a late bloomer.

 

Everyone else – These people watch shows on time; fall victim to spoilers on things they haven’t seen, and lose patience with late bloomers who are two episodes behind and are halting their dissection of the latest family drama of the Lannisters. If you’re questioning if you’re in the “everyone else” group, look no further then the below qualifications. If you have completed these two tasks, you’re probably in:

 

  1. Have seen Breaking Bad and The Wire in their entireties.
  2. Are fully caught up on Game of Thrones.

 

Spoilers have probably see bits and pieces of Breaking Bad and The Wire plus they know all the big events of Game of Thrones, but will ruin the whole thing for common folk saying “Hey isn’t it so crazy when Walt ______________!!!!” or “OMG when Marlo and Chris ___________ I can’t believe it it’s amazing”.

 

I say no more to this unruly foolishness. Here’s my doctrine on how spoilers will be handled:

 

  1. Upon the credits of a film or a television show’s series finale’s premier on its broadcast medium, the media is not to be discussed in public discussion when every member of said party has not seen the series up to the point that is being discussed. These words are binding up until 5 years from the premier of the series finale or rolling of the film’s credits.

 

  1. Said penalty for violating such offences can range from small public fine to a maximum sentence of lifetime banishment or excommunication from all discussions with the subject matter of popular culture.

 

  1. The range of punishment will depend on the degree of importance to the show that was spoiled.

 

  • 3rd degree: (Network TV comedy, Direct to DVD movies: non-plot driven shows such as Family Guy, Simpsons, Ice Road Truckers/ Or movies like Sharknado)—-> PENALTY RANGE: slap on the wrist, angry demonstrative stares.

 

  • 2nd degree: (Network TV dramas, average to bad box office performing movies: somewhat plot driven, but many issues are wrapped up at the end of the show CSI, Law and Order, Scandal/or movies like The Lone Ranger)–> PENALTY RANGE: joint group screaming at the perpetrator, small fine such as buying a box of pizza or a few rounds at the bar.1

 

  • 1st degree: (Cable/paid subscription TV shows, top box office performing movies: heavily plot driven, spoilers at this point can ruin the build up of entire seasons The Wire, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Homeland/Captain Phillips2, The Dark Knight Series)–> PENALTY RANGE: potential suspension or termination of friendship or association.

 

That’s right, people have five years from the series finale or credits to see a show or movie before it becomes public knowledge. That means that if you don’t know the fate of Jack and Rose at the end of Titanic by now then that’s too bad. In that situation you have not done your due diligence and if someone happens to nonchalantly discuss that ending by screaming “THEY BOTH COULD HAVE FIT ON THAT WOODEN WINDOW THINGY!!!!” then they are just expressing their right to discuss a movie who’s spoilers falls in the public domain arena.

 

law2

 

So there you have it. A universal system by which we can all know where we stand on spoilers. Bloggers, Vloggers, Tweeters, and everyone else with access in the world remember what Uncle Ben taught us in the first Tobey McGuire Spiderman “with great power comes great responsibility” don’t ruin someone’s good time with your carelessness or cold-heartedness. We all should have the right to watch our movies as clueless as the directors, writers, and actors intended for us to be.

 

Just because a movie or show falls outside of the 5-year domain, don’t be a jerk and ruin a show just to do it. While something’s are not against the law, they can still be immoral.

 

See you all next week,

 

–GOTW

 

 

Notas al pie!!!!!

  1. If not of legal drinking age then the penalty is juice boxes or Capri Suns.
  2. I don’t care that this was a true story; not everyone knew this at the time of their viewing. If you can’t tell already, the ending of Captain Phillips was spoiled for me.

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